Holy hell woman, I hope he doesn't ever see this. I'm not your bro but as someone a bit off center and knowing what you mean, I can also get what he might think seeing this. It would piss him off for one. I'd wager. And worse, it would probably make him even more depressed.

I'm not saying be happy happy super happy to him, you need to be real or he'll know something's up, but this is a woe is me that he probably would not like because HE would feel it's his fault. In a way it is, since he is where he is, but you know, I'm sure that eats him up everyday. Late at night, when he's with his mind and dreams… I'm sure that nugget is there.

Keep your chin up and try to keep it together because when eh DOES get out, he'll put up a front of not needing you but he'll need you more than ever. Many people I know that have served decades away like that, when they come out they are almost… scare?... of the outside world. It's almost too big for some of them. They get so used to being institutionalized that they have a very very hard time adjusting. Some commit a crime in the first few weeks… or days even… to get caught and go back to what they are used to.

If all goes as well as it can, and you both get to meet on the outside again, please be there for him then. I know you will anyways, but the strange thing with people is that can get stuck in that 'this is my home' mind set. Despite all the dangers and uncertainty there, they get used to it and what its dangers hold and have an easier time there than out here after many years.


Why do they go through this? Well… I mean look at it. They become used to the state of danger they are in but their life becomes otherwise controlled. Meal times, free times, and none of the huge burdens of freedom out here. It's something some people get used to in there. Weird I know but… yeah.

I know that sounds backwards, but I've know people that get out 20 or 30 years alter and are completely shell shocked. People I loved. They get out and just… like… freeze. It's hard to explain. But he'll need you then most so, stay strong and just be you. Write him your good days, and your bad days and keep letting him know there is a world out here waiting for him.

~Dale

--
"If life is a dream, I wish I could wake up..."
-Me

I know how much reading this would upset him. I know how guilty he already feels. I always tell him in my letters, "I love you and I miss you", but sometimes I feel bad even telling him that I miss him, because I don't want to make him feel more guilty. But I DO miss him and I want him to know that he is missed and, if no one else, I'm going to be over the moon when he comes home.

I think I told Ed once to keep his chin up and he told me that it was terrible advice, in prison, you gotta keep your chin tucked, in case you get in a fight. Hahah. But I try to keep myself positive out here, for him, and for me. Mostly to be strong for him. I mean, I know he needs my support and my love. I have heard some horror stories about people getting out of prison after a long bid and being so disconnected. I will always be there for him, no matter what happens, but I just get scared and anxious.

I'm in so much pain after only 4 years, there are still at least 18 to go, and more if his parole gets denied. He could serve a life sentence. I get scared, I can only imagine how much worse it feels for HIM.

I do everything I can to show him that he is loved and missed and I try to keep him connected to everything that is going on here in his absence. I just miss him so badly, I see other people with their families and I want him to BE here.

Ugh, I don't know. It's hard. This is all very hard. I had always considered myself a decently strong person, but this is testing every aspect of me. There is nothing that would make me stop being there for my brother---he's stuck with me.

--
"We must make the best of those ills which cannot be avoided."

-Clarence Day-

And I keep going back and re-reading all of these articles from back when it happened, and they make me feel so sick. I hate how he is portrayed, and I hate that everyone thinks of him as some kind of monster. He isn't a monster. I don't even know why I read the articles anymore, I just can't stop myself. I read them and want to scream at someone, HE'S REALLY A GOOD PERSON; SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE THIS MAN! HE IS A HUSBAND AND A FATHER AND A BROTHER! It bothers me so much, how people see him. I don't want people to see him that way, but I know it can't be helped. It just breaks my heart.

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--
"We must make the best of those ills which cannot be avoided."

-Clarence Day-

You’ll have to smack talk him about keeping your chin up in a figurative way, not a fighting way. Never ever never keep your chin up in a fight. Ouch. But I’m sure he knew what you meant and was yanking your chain.

It’s all too true. They get so used to that kind of day to day lifestyle, being outside can be so unpredictable. I mean, as harsh as that life is, it’s controlled… to a point… and pretty much a set routine. Life out here is chaotic by example. We never know exactly when we’ll wake up. When we’ll eat. What job we will try to hold down. There is a lot of chaos out here.

I know people that are in prison, or loony bins, for life because they could not adapt tp the changes out here and have no guiding standards you know? You get used to being paranoid in prison, and that is something they bring out here with them. And that is not really a good thing out here. When someone looks at you funny locked up, you might have to hop right on it to prove you’re not someone that can be walked on. Someone looks at you funny out here, you gotta let it slide. Or get your ass in trouble.

I’m aware both of you know this. But so many people do not understand this kind of mindset. So may people think… well, they are out of prison now so why would they commit a crime again to go back? Are they daft?... they ask that and don’t realize what a huge adjustment it is.

When I was away, not the same as your bro but a lock up none the less, my day was packed. They came in at 3am to draw blood. An alarm went off to wake us all. We all ate in the same place. After words groups went to either session, or gym or crafts. Then another bell and we ate again. Then a few hours free time. Which usually lead to fights of some kind somewhere, you had to keep an eye out. At the end of that was shower time. Joy.

Another bell eventually, dinner, more sessions or crafts depending on the morning you had. No swearing or you were reprimanded. No racial slurs or you were reprimanded. Freak out to much and they gave you a shot that put your ass out for days. Then eventually bed again.

Rinse and repeat.

It doesn’t take long to get so used to that kind of controlled chaos that, being away form it, you’re not really sure what to do. At least he has you to try and keep him grounded and have hopes for something outside. And you wouldn’t believe how much of an asset that is to not only keep him hopeful, but to keep him wanting out. Even if it will be a very hard adjustment.

You’re plenty strong, but even when you’re not, you’re still there for him. And that’s what matters.

~Dale

--
"If life is a dream, I wish I could wake up..."
-Me